I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
