dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
