its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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