I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
