I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Randomize
