Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
