Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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