I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
