The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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