remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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