the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
