1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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