I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
