Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
