Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
