Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
