If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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