I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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