Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
