he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
