Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
