Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
