Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
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