Ambien. No doubt about it.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
