When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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