just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
no you cant smoke seaweed
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
