I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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