Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize