I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
