One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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