My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
