I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
