I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
