Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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