it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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