apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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