My liver just broke up with me...
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
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