Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Pants are for mortals
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
