Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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