my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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