I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
