haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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