Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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