I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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