I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
