Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
