WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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