; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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