my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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