On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
