It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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