I wish my penis had an off switch
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
last night I used snow as a chaser
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
