THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
