She's like a pop up book from hell.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
