I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
