He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
