did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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